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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A Makeover, A Sunday Garage Sale and a Big Fat Fib

 Warning: This is a long post...go get yourself a cup of whatever it is that gets you going and settle in...

Remember this ol' girl? Her name is Gertrude. Gert for short. She is sensitive about her age spots and wrinkles...

"Hi, I'm Gert. Does this orange extension cord make my butt look big?"
Like any good makeover, you have to see the before pictures so you can see what an improvement the transformation is.

Speaking of makeovers, when we were in college, a certain someone was in "the pageant circuit"...Her pageant director/mentor/friend Nikki managed to get her a sponsor in the form of a very high end hair salon in Houston...a very French can't-get-in-for-12-weeks-$250-haircut salon...In exchange for my the pageant girl's "hair sponsorship", the salon wanted to do a photo shoot of before and afters to submit to national hair magazines and they wanted to use about 6 girls...so the victims "models" loaded up in College Station and drove to the hair salon early, early on a Sunday morning.

In the blaring morning sun, they took "before" photos of each of the girls with no makeup and disheveled hair. (Except one girl named Mercy cheated and wore concealer...that annoyed me the pageant girl so much because Mercy looked all fresh and rosy and I looked all sick and corpse-y...

Are you on to me yet that I am the "pageant girl" in the story? Good. I can quit using the strike through key...although it is kinda fun entertaining...

So, one of the other "models" was my sister Jenny and as she recalls, when they did our makeup, they called in all the dropouts from clown school...

Her eyeshadow was purple and her lipstick was red. (If I were a professional blogger, I would take the time to track down some of these pictures but let me assure you red lipstick on those full plump lips of Jenny's is a little, well, much...and I'm sure they were trying to play off her gorgeous green eyes with the purple eyeshadow but, really?)

Any who, my recollection is that they didn't feed us all day...it was like torture...I mean I know they were French and only eat parsley and old cigarette butts but, come on...I think finally at like 5 o'clock they broke down and ordered some dry pita bread and ice cubes for us and then made us do 5,000 jumping jacks each because we were all looking a little too "tous les américains"...in case you are wondering, that means "All American" or "healthy" in French...

Back to Gert...

Here is a closeup of her top...Despite the sanding block in the picture, the top hasn't been sanded yet...Yes, that's what she really looked like...Bless her heart...
"Don't look at me, I'm hideous"

So on Saturday, Michael was serving as CGO (Chief Gus Officer) and after a trip to Wal-mart for the proper supplies, I got to work stripping the top of the table and once the toxic stripping goop was cleaned up, I sanded her and cleaned everything off before starting to paint. I didn't sand or strip her legs because I wanted to be able to antique them and have some of the stain peek through.

I started with the legs and I loved the coverage of Behr's paint and primer in one because I only needed to do two coats, including priming. Once the legs were dry, I flipped her over and started on the top.

I created a stain using equal parts water and the same paint I used on the legs. I wanted the top to have a whitewashed, beachy look. I just painted the homemade stain on and then rubbed it in with tack cloth and it took no time to dry. I still need to put a sealant on her to protect her from future tonka truck races and errant backpacks that will be casually tossed on top of her but I went ahead and brought her inside because Wal-mart didn't carry the sealant I needed...

So here she is...in all her glory...let me introduce to you the new and improved Gert:

Check out those gams!

It's amazing what a few highlights will do for a girl's confidence

"Call me!"
So that's what I did this past Saturday...and on Sunday...I was driving home from grocery shopping at The Walmart (that's what some people around here call it...The Walmart, I have no idea why) when I passed a garage sale...I know, random to have a garage sale on Sunday, but it's on a street where some of the same houses have a garage sale every weekend (most likely consisting of things they bought at garage sales the week before) I like to call these Perpetual Garage Sales...

Where was I? Oh, I spotted this cute round table and pulled over to check it out. It was sitting in front of two night stands and a small oval coffee table that were clearly from the same set but I just wanted the round side table but the guy wouldn't budge from selling them as a set...all four pieces for $40...total...wow, that is a good deal...and who am I to pass up such a bargain?

Here they all are:

Prudence the side table

Opal the oval coffee table and Dr. and Mrs. Thornton the night stands...I'm not sure where all these names are coming from

So in true Brandy form I might've bitten off more than I can chew in my newest creative endeavor...I mean, I already have a list of things sitting around that I want to paint, including:

1. The entryway mirror and dresser...Vera and Nigel...they will be painted the same color to look like one piece...aahh, the cohesiveness of young love...
Vera the Mirra (say it, it rhymes) and Nigel, her dapper beau

2. The Lisa-and-Dan-Wedding-Present hutch, Evelyn...she's going all light and airy with some distressing on the beautiful woodwork to show it off...
Evelyn...pardon the clutter

3. An old  dresser of my parent's for our master bedroom, Charlton Cheston...sorry, no photo available
 (because I don't want to drive to Mama and Daddy's just to take a pic)

4. And two twin beds for Georgia's big girl room, Freddy and Petunia...
See those scary lilac/pink bed frames in the background? Meet Freddy and Petunia!

So there you have it...I've got my hands full...and that's not including this guy...Lord help us when he starts to sprint walk...
I want ten more just like him...can you even stand it? And Gus is cute, too :)

Be afraid...be very afraid

P.S. I'm pregnant...just kidding, I wanted to see who made it all the way to the end of this Epic Post


  1. Very good post Bandy. I like seeing your work, and I'm sure that your legions of regular readers will enjoy syour seeing your latest creations. Our son kind of looks like Jack Nicholson from The Shining in that picture.

  2. Brandy you crack me up! I enjoy reading your blog. It makes me want to do some projects. The key word there is "want"!

  3. I love your table!!!! It's even better in person - awesome!!!! LOVE IT!

  4. Love the Big Fat Fib at the end. I've enjoyed reading your posts, my friend! Love ya!

  5. Brandy, you are amazingly funny and entertaining in every corner of your life, I love you!!!

  6. Love all of your posts!! I told Dr. Willis that I thought you were pregnant. Seriously. hahahahah.

  7. I made it through, and enjoyed every word :) Love that I am not the only one who has "projects" lined up! LOVE,LOVE, Gert, so pretty, and you did a fab job on her make over...why DO they say THE Walmart? Hey, thanks for stopping by to see my peacock, I gave him to my mom, who also couldn't find a place for him, not sure if she still has him, but if so, maybe we can hook you two up :)